Thursday mad thoughts

It is Thursday the day just before weekend; every body is thrilled and excited from the morning as if we are having a feast tomorrow, today they will surely order food but I think that I prefer eating with my family.
I liked the dining mood of this work gatherings more than the food itself, except if we are ordering from “Balbaa” this famous food manufacture.
Finally, we managed to gather a cute bunch of friends at work; a bunch of just normal people, which is somehow rare in the work community these days, people you can enjoy talking with, without fear or misunderstandings, people in some days are the best thing that happens to you.
Usually in Thursdays, I try to arrive home early to enjoy playing a bit with Yahiya, a lovely home made meal and some relaxing on my favourite couch beside my lovely wife.
As simple as this target may be, I consider it the best time in my whole week; it is like stealing some fun from time.
At night I go out with my friends, to an estimation round or a late dinner, or a fancy café, sometimes we go to the north coast, one of our summer cabins and we spend the night there playing and eating and some time sleeping.
It seams I get used on previous planned busy days which was not the case before, they excite me more now than normal plan days, even if they are more exhausting but you try to enjoy each second with anxiety and passion.
The speedy life is a matter of habit anyway, you get used to do things in a rush, you get use to drink your coffee while running, you get used to hard music to make you speed on your way to work.
You get used to enjoy life to its maximum in each moment because there is no time to relax while doing so; you try to enjoy the remaining of your life in a hysterical speedy way, trying to prove to yourself that you will not loose anything through days.
It seams I am forced to get used to this life with no choice and I needed to just brighten things in front of my eyes, I am sure I will never enjoy speedy life over calm one, this is simply not my nature.
I am looking forward to spend a good funny Friday with my whole big family, plans are made from two days to arrange for this gathering.
Lately I enjoy these gatherings very much more than I use to when I was a little kid, I now enjoy seeing my son playing with his mates and me enjoying memories and fun with my old siblings.
I need to integrate some Quran readings in my daily routine; I must do so in the next vacation, I realized I do it only in Ramadan although it brings some magical calm to my heart and soul.

One perfect morning in work

It is early morning, somehow this day began in a write way, I feel enthusiast and content with no reason at all, may be cause I spend all the my yesterday playing with Yahiya and then sleeping beside him.
The sun is warming the world and the sky is clearly blue, the sea is quite as if waiting and a chilly wind is cooling the air, the orange curtains are colouring the room with a cosy magical light and the sound of slow music is coming from nowhere.
Called my wife to tell her good morning she was just awake so she was not in the mood, I sense love in the air, a romantic feeling is slipping into my heart slowly, may be it is the change in seasons, may be the beginning of summer madness, but it is out there, I can feel it.
I need to encounter a true love story in my daily life, something to remind me of the romance again in this cruel world, even to read, to hear or to see love again whether in real life or just in photos may help me.
Something to fire my imagination about love and romance again, cause it seams I am out of romance for sometime now. I met an old lady this morning, she is quietly bigger than my mom by 10 Years, I was solving a problem for her, we chatted for at least one hour.
I enjoyed this chat very much and admire the lady more than ever, she has a kind face and a kind smile, an old beauty that cannot be neglected. Some grey and yellow hair falls on her shoulders giving her a certain undeniable charm and an angelic walk with a tiny body that leaves an impression of what used to be a great body one day.
From general things to personnel things the conversation flowed, from life and love and how we see them in general to a self love experience of about 30 years and then alone again, fighting to find someone to spend the rest of her life with.
Quite a romantic dreamy love story that unfortunately ended in the real world with some kind of betrayal, she loved a man and after agreeing to spend life together until death, he left her once he noticed they got old and chose to spend the rest of his days running after someone younger.
They met few years later, he was sorry to what he brought to his life and regrets what he lost with her, she didn’t blame him for what he did to her life , she has already forgiven him but still she prefers to continue her life alone or with someone else instead of this doomed relationship.
I could not stop myself from admiring her; because despite our short meeting and our one time chat, she entered my mind and thoughts and stayed there all day long, could not stop myself from comparing my life to hers.
I compared my short story to her interesting life and realized some few obvious points, it is more than enough to spend your life searching for what you desire and keep searching until you find it better than spending a lifetime trying to enjoy what you have as it is.
Each week from Monday to Wednesday, I work two shifts, one from 9am to 5.30pm with an hour brake and another shift from 8pm until 10pm.
For so long now I felt some unexplained injustice why do I have to work two shifts, why do I have to waist my life in stupid office work, why can’t I at least like what I do to be able to some creativity may be.
Today morning while heading to work, while I was quietly thinking alone in my car I realized the fake of this injustice I feel. I decided that what I am doing is still not enough, I am spending lots of my time working and in the end getting less than what I expected and deserve.
So I decided to go for a next step in my life, either truly changing my career to find a better full time job to spare me my second shift in work, or some studies that can one day upgrade my knowledge to fit into a better position aiming the same goal.
I felt I needed to fight with life more, I felt I needed to waist all my energy on my jobs even if I don’t admire what am doing, but I will try to enjoy fighting for my goals. Sometimes I think of my work experience as a fuel to one life project I will start one day, one idea to fight for until death, and to build your career above with out fear.
One project to utilize all my skills and upgrade my life from a worker to an investor, one simple yet efficient idea, unfortunately I do not have the luxury to wait for this idea to come.

The truth about things

Woke up early relatively, played a bit with Yahiya and had to leave him cause he must see the sun as I was told by his mother, so they left me home alone and went to play in the sun in the club may be I was planning to spend the day relaxing.
Found a nice movie in movie channel but muted it and downloaded some photos from my camera, while listening to some of my music, prepared a mug of Nescafe and had a moment of peace enjoying music.
The lights were a bit grey, there is no much sun today a kind of perfect day for me, I was very busy minded with an idea from yesterday, the real truth about things.
About right or wrong, about good and bad, about angels and demons, about getting even with what you did, about death and will we be able to realize the truth before it or after it or will we ever know this truth.
I think one day we may know the truth about our life, about our choices, what is the reality beyond our preferences and what they really reflect on our lives.
One day you will be just dealing with the results of your own preferences, one day you will not have the energy to deny what you really did to your life, as it will be clear in front of your eyes.
What is the real message you send to people around you and do you really mean what these messages are telling, a big difference between what you think people see in you and what they really see from you.
People spend a life time without knowing what people think of them, and fell into mental illness when they hear reality about themselves, other dye without knowing the truth.
I know some people who are underestimating themselves others overestimating themselves, I know people surrounded with love and they do not see it or appreciate it others are away with no one to love them.
So may be from my point of view, the better image you have is totally related to the number of loving people around you, the quantity of love around you defines the image you reflect, I said love or loving people not just people, cause celebrities and rich people are always surrounded with people but not necessarily love.
People are born with big signs, things that have an affect on the way they were viewed through others eyes, like perhaps a big anything, a big nose, a big belly, a big mouth, a big teeth, big eyes, or up normal things, like weird colours, different eyes….etc
Things that defines them just figural speaking in the eyes of people, some people are incredibly cute, others are normal looking, some people are brutally ugly, others are disgusting.
It is and was always your character who defines you, how you really are seen from people around you, and how this image is transported to others through people word of mouth.
It is all about this image that you help to build in people minds but never had anything to do with its shape, it was shaped by people thoughts and opinions in your self, your ideas, your principles, your ethics, your actions in life through years and years of being just you.
This image whatever it was in the end, somehow reflects a great part of you and may be this is why it is usually so shocking when told, despite being good or bad it shocks people, you just are forced to realize how simple yet mystery truth could be.

Low Pressure

It was a horrible moment of silence and darkness, something between life and death,
a moment with no control at all, suddenly you find yourself in a weird world of dreams and sounds are coming to you from a long far distance.
You do not really realize what is happening, you feel so alone, so empty, so week, so vulnerable and in the same time so free.
Nothing is attached to you anymore, you feel somehow floating in the air, lights are turning very fast from black to white, a strange feeling is conquering your heart something between happiness and sorrow, as if they never existed in your memory, you try to remember anything you can not even remember who are you.
You feel you are a much stronger yet weaker person, you feel as if you are loosing something and you have no control over it, you feel you are suffering and somehow you need to end this as fast as possible.
Suddenly some strange voices are getting louder and louder in you ears, some people are shooting your name, others are shooting with advices like move him upward, left his feet up, do you hear me, stay with me, are you ok now.
You try hard to just open your eyes and see around you fighting a strong feeling of sleep, and between the faces, you see what happened to you, you begin to recall what really happened, how you felt you are loosing your power, then your breath when you realized you are really loosing your pressure.
You felt a strange need for something sweet but had not even the power to demand it.
All of a sudden, You felt very sleepy and tired, you felt you are loosing your conscience, you shouted to your friends but in a week voice my pressure is getting down and I feel I am fainting.
The rest after that is a white sheet with no memory at all, a very clear white sheet, only full of emotions and feelings for a whole period of seven minutes, for me these minutes passed like ages.
You were in need of help you sure did, a bar of chocolate changed your status to alive again and you need sometimes a bit of sugar to survive that was a new fact for me.
May be I am becoming diabetic, may be it is just some lake of sleep and rest, but it sure brings some undeniable facts.
Facts like how short life is and how death could be just closer to you than anybody else, and how you never noticed.

Crowded Sharm ElSheikh 17-20.4.09

“Sharm ElSheikh” the great small village in Sinai where you used to spend your mornings by the beach enjoying nature, your evenings on a motorcycle in the open desert and your nights in Pubs dancing till the morning.
I think this last trip was my last one ever, It is the third time for me to say so and in sha2 Allah it will be the final. It has nothing to do with the Egyptians or the vacations period as people say; Sharm is getting bigger each day, the hotels are everywhere now and more than full, full of people from all over the world and many Lebanese people for the first time even more than Egyptians. I cannot deny this variety of people from different countries give the place a unique style of its own, but it has nothing to do with my vacation, my time to relax and enjoy nature and sun. It was totally against that, I had to wait for my place in the sun by the pool or on the beach, as I had to wait for my place even in my favourite restaurant. Each five minutes you can hear or see a passing aeroplane, as if we are in the middle of the world not in a resort made for resting, it became a small city full of resorts.
Normally crowded places are not made for me, you can always find me escaping into quite and peaceful places, calm resorts, silent towns but never going to spend my relaxing time in an overpopulated place waiting for my turn to come.
Whatever this place’s nature or mood or whatever the fun it brings to hearts.
Sharm used to be Neema Bay, the old market and the airport, now it has grown all the way long to the airport and even after the airport also all the way along the hills and bays around Sharm.
You can loose count of hotels and resorts from Thoma bay to Sharks bay to Om Elsid Hill, dozens of hotels and resorts, full of foreigners all year long and especially in occasions and local vacations where the number doubles with the Arabs and Egyptians.
All this hotels and resorts residents spend their mornings by their private pools or beachs, and then move to Neema to spend the evenings and nights, where all the restaurants, pubs, games, cafés and fun places are located.
Despite where you log you must visit Neema bay or the old market place once or twice a day, to eat, to drink, to get money or to spend money, to buy something or just to have a walk.
And so you can imagine how populated Neema bay has become all day long, so if you ever have a reservation in Neema bay and you think it is the best reservation in Sharm, you are delusional dear, you will loose all the fun with the crowds and the push over.
It is better now to reserve in a far away hotel not crowded with people to spend your mornings and evenings relaxing and enjoying nature and just visit Neema by night to enjoy the crowds in Pubs and restaurants and all along the boardwalk.
In the end, you can manage to get some fun out of it, for me I enjoyed being with my little family all day long but Egypt is full of other quite peaceful places better than Sharm to spend a relaxing funny and interesting vacation without getting bored of crowds.

May be one day

It is night, just the beginning of the night, my day was exhausting but recently my mind got cleared after a period of uncertainty so I am a bit relaxed, the weather is weird today, very hot, no sun, blurred with a blue-grey colour without clouds.
The sound of the prayer call is loud with a familiar tone; I begin to think again about religion, what should I do to be better? It is always a conversation between myself and me.
The famous silly question and answer dialog that ends by me comforting my self that the good ones will eventually go to heaven.
From ages, I do not read Egyptian newspapers but today I read some Egyptian articles on the internet. Some were about local and international politics, others about humanities, others about history and art, even sports, a variety of writers old and young and writing in different fields, but despite these differences they all shared one little thing, a week helpless tone in writing, even though this tone is sometimes strong but always empty of any hope or wish.
I stopped reading after the 12th article and began to realize the fact that they were helpless, even the fighters and the ironic ones were very hopeless and the only different voice I met was full of shit.
I wish I could spend all my day reading and reading anything and everything until I get bored of reading. And my only job consist in the end of each day to just write my thoughts about what I hear, read and see in a cute payable article.
Articles for a book or a newspaper or a magazine, not a so popular one but just known to people, maybe to insight someone sometimes somewhere.
From time to time to go shoot some photos and one day make a big gallery about sunrises and sunsets.
I am sure I will be thrilled and happy to work and work night and day like that without getting bored, just amusement and fun and creativity all day long.
From reading to goggling to listening to music or concerts, watching movies and theatre plays and just write and write about all that.
Who knows may be one day I will fly with the stars, may be one day I will love what I do and with whom I am doing it, may be one day.
It seams I am sleepy, I will check into bed and fall asleep, I have a long day tomorrow from 9 Am to 10 pm with 2 hours break, I will try to sleep despite Yahiya’s play attempts to wake me.

A free Media

For sometime now I have a weird obsession about the media and the news in general, a feeling that most of what we see and hear is not true but just some forced opinions made to drive our minds and culture into defined directions and ways of thinking.
May be it is not fair to generalise the phenomena, may be it is just an obsession that will fade in the future, may be it is just a phase but I really can tell clearly why we are driven in many aspects of our lives after false dreams and untrue goals.
In order to always remain running without catching your breath and even dyeing after insignificant things in life, untrue and irrelative causes and goals, to stay always submitted to this delusional cultural invasion, in each serial or movie or talk show.
By time, you get to use the idea that it is not the concepts they are seeking to destroy but a complete brainwash is planned, from simple steps and ideas into major change in believes and ethics.
What really confuses me in all this mess in the media is the unity between international and local media in some major points, as if we are all a part of an international conspiracy aimed to group people minds and tastes and believes into one big chosen channel.
I believe that local and international media affects us on different levels and I believe they reach different and various public targets and I believe they are much different in detail but much similar from a large-scale point of view.
Similar in two main aspects, first the obligatory dreamy way of living we see in each movie and serial and with each service or commodity advertisement.
Second, the number of unnecessary luxurious commodities and services that sparkles in front of our eyes in Malls and hypermarkets and super stores, forcing us to compare our hard life with the easiness this luxurious life brings regardless our real priorities in life.
The real difficulty for me these days is to notice or realize the free voices in all the crap you are used to, the free ideas and the free thoughts, the attempts to open your eyes on the true reality beyond what is happening and the direction we are all heading to without even noticing.
I realized I am less thrilled and excited from movies, cannot stop my mind from thinking more than enjoying movies, the real reason and truth about big productions and huge investments paid in big movies.
The real political and commercial aim after the love scene in a good story or the emotions you get from a touchy thriller or the sympathy you gain from a far away cause, it will take you sometime to see a good free production movie between thousands of good rotten movies forced on you each day.
I may be overestimating what is really happening but I cannot help it no more we have a lake of free real opinions, ideas and thoughts in a mess of forced and false media and news everywhere.
It is even hard for a regular person to get the simple reality of what is going around him locally or internationally without getting fraud, the sources of real and free news and media are rare these days.

April Rush

The weather is turning hot in no time; I was surprised the last two days from the raise of the temperature and began to hate this hot summer before it even arrives.
Last Thursday I went with some friends to a cabin in the north coast and we had some barbeque and lots of fun, the weather was magical, it was a big gathering of people from different places, Cairo, Alexandria and Saudi Arabia, it was a short night full of laughs and meat until death.
I could not finish my plate and had to sit for a while after eating to relax my stomach while my plate was eaten from many savages who will not ever stop eating until all the supply of food finish. Some of them also ate more than one desert, may be the weather who gave them this appetite, may be the mood, may be they are real savages and it was a mess but we really enjoyed the day and it really was a delightful end for hell of a working week.
Woke up lately on Friday took my little family to Maamoura for some fun, met some friends and had lunch, wasn’t a fancy going out but I think we all enjoyed it.
Spend all the rest of the day playing with Yahiya at house, this was a brief of my week-end or let us say, the desired brief of all my week-ends, I say desired cause some time I fail to bring some joy to the hearts of my little family because of my mood or my shape.
People are moving bit by bit to Cairo, they say all the good opportunities are there, all the real work and the real competition, all the money, the fancy going outs, the big hotels, the movie stars.
May be they are right, may be I love Alexandria more than I should but Cairo will always be a trip of two days maximum nothing more and nothing less.
The work is going to its maddest part, life is much unstable for me these days but I am surviving through my friends and family, I barely sit to my office in the morning and barely out of office at night, I order food three times per week now, sometimes more and it begins to worry me. It is not always about the food I like more the gatherings and the dining mood, at last we managed to gather a reasonable group of friends at work, a group of normal people, which is somehow rare in the work community these days, people you can enjoy talking with, without fear or misunderstandings.
The life is taking a dangerous pattern these days, a repetition in the events of weeks and even months, you count your life by weekends and holidays only.
Things are becoming repetitive and boring by time, I began to fear myself from this life, an urge for something new is always pushing into me, fighting all my ethics and desire of leaving a peaceful happy life.